who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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