I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Randomize