Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
