I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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