The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
