i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
