i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
