Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
