masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
