You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
