you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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