I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
