don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
