I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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