Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
