I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
