i wish there were pregnant emoticons
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
im on a boat
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