i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
