when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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