Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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