ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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