Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
