nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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