we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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