I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
