Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
