the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
