peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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