I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
