You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
