I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I could fuck to npr.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
