your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
