She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
