I wanna passion pit in your ass
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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