Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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