If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I am midnight drunk by noon
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
