He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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