i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
