did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
