you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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