The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
