You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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