Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
