Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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