he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Randomize
