im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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