the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
