I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
