I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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