Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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