worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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