Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
