I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
bring money and cleavage
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
