sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
