The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
