Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
