i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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