Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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