Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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