When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
