In America we eat man semen.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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