Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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