I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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